Overcomer

It's a familiar feeling for me. Racing thoughts, sweaty palms, heart pounding, and lump in my throat. This choking, strangling feeling of defeat. It's crushing. I feel defeated and hopeless even BEFORE I make the bad choice, because in the end, I know that I always fail. Well, the old me did anyway.

I came home from work today, and had been doing great with my eating all day. As I was sitting in the living room, I got a craving for ice cream. (it's an hourly craving, really!) But in that moment, the urge was just too strong. I couldn't overcome it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I got up, grabbed my keys, and pushed back the voice in my head, "DON'T do it Kate, it's not worth it, you're making a TERRIBLE decision!!", but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, until I reached my car. Got in and buckled my seat belt, and mindlessly started driving to the closest Dairy Queen. It was then, that I experienced a "shakening awakening" I call it. I literally felt the spirit of God move in my heart and speak to me through a song on my iTunes that I had playing in my car. Mandissa has a song out called "Overcomer". And it literally spoke to my heart. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I had goose bumps and the hair on my neck was standing on end. It was literally as if God had shaken my shoulders and spoke to me. His words came in the form of the lyrics of the song down below.( I HIGHLY encourage you to look the song up and listen to it...let it permeate your spirit and give you hope! It did for me!) My trip to the Dairy Queen turned into one of the most important drives I have taken lately. I passed on the ice cream, and instead chose to listen to the voice of God and believe that I am an overcomer....

OVERCOMER  - MANDISSA
Staring at a stop sign
Watching people drive by
T Mac on the radio
Got so much on your mind
Nothing's really going right
Looking for a ray of hope

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomerYou're an overcomer

Everybody's been down
Hit the bottom, hit the ground
Oh, you're not alone
Just take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises
He wants You to know

The same Man, the Great I am
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of You
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling You

Blisters and rope burn

I'm not sure of anything lately. I'm not sure where I am going or why I struggle with the things I do. What am I supposed to be learning in all of this??? I've been praying lately. A lot. I pray for clarity, and to get back the motivation that so frustratingly seems just beyond my grasp. I pray for resources to come my way that will open doors for me to once again become passionate and continue this journey to a better me. I stayed home sick today as I seem to have a bit of a flu bug. I literally was laying in bed not more than 5 minutes ago, and prayed for inspiration to blog about something that would motivate me and yet be inspiring to others.
I have been slipping back in to old habits. I am eating like crap, thus making me feel like crap, and sleep like crap, and ultimately comparing myself to a piece of crap. But as I was laying on my bed, praying quietly in the silence for an epiphany, a thought came to me. This journey that I am on is like climbing a rope. (Goodness I hate rope climbing. I always stayed home sick on those days in gym class. Telling my teachers I had cramps was far less humiliating than trying to climb a rope in front of my peers...seriously) Anyhow, for those of you who are experts on rope climbing, bare with me for a second, and for those of you who can relate, pay close attention because this is where the magic happens. A weight loss journey is like climbing a rope. Imagine standing on the ground starring up into the abyss. The climb seems daunting. That is exactly how I felt almost a year ago at the beginning. I had so much weight to lose and the thought of achieving that goal seemed impossible. I literally had nothing to lose anyway, as my alternative was suicide, so what the heck, right? Might as well give it try. And as I started climbing the ladder of weight loss success, it felt great. But along with climbing, comes slipping. Sometimes you lose your grip as you head for the top and you back slide. It's normal. I'm in a season of slipping and my grip is far from tight. I feel as though I have even let go of the rope, and I am plummeting full speed to the bottom. I have gained weight, and I feel miserable. But, with that said, as I lay in bed just a little bit ago and the rope climbing analogy hit me, I heard a voice say, "just grab the damn rope, Kate!!" You don't have to fall all the way to the bottom again to start over, just grab the rope and keep climbing. It's so easy to say, tomorrow I will start again, or Monday I will start again. I am notorious for procrastinating, but dammit, the time is NOW. Right this very second, because I know all too well, tomorrow never comes. But the weight sure does. It comes fast and furious and the horrible self loathing thoughts and self destructive patterns that come with it are devastating. It's not easy to just "buck up" and keep going. For those of you who struggle with what I'm talking about, you know. It's hard. SO hard. But come with me. CLIMB with me. The emotional blisters and rope burns will heal, and you will be so glad you did. That, my friends, I am sure of.
So today, although I feel my grip is shaky, I will grab the rope and hold on like hell. I will give it my all to start again. Inch by inch I will regain what I've lost, and I will keep going. This journey never ends and learning to push through the set backs is key. I will focus on pushing through instead of beating myself up for backsliding. So, the journey continues....thankfully.

Darkness

It's been 3 months since my last post. I haven't written for a while because I feel as though I have nothing to say. But that really isn't true. I should say, I don't have anything that is easy to say or admit. There have some really bad days and pretty significant struggles in the past few months. I wish I could write a big long post about how great things are going. But that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is, that I am struggling pretty hard core. My heart feels broken and I feel so so lost. I have come so far in this journey, and for some reason I feel like its all going to slip away into the abyss and all be for not. My self destructive patterns have been out in full force and my spirit feels as though its growing weary. I feel out of control and scared. I have been searching and praying for the answer and I keep coming back to the same thing. I feel like I don't know who I am. All my life I have been fat. I know who fat Kate is. I know her story and what she feels and how she reacts to things. I don't know this new person I am becoming. Along with becoming someone new, that means change, and that is scary. I think also, I am afraid of failing. I have this goal, and I am scared I can't do it. Even though I am over half way to my goal, everything inside is telling me I can't do it, won't be able to do it. SO many people tell me how great I look and how proud they are of me, and I feel guilty saying this, but lately it isn't enough. It isn't enough to keep me on track. I have derailed myself constantly for the past 3 weeks, and it's starting to show on the scale. I am angry with myself, and tell myself, see..you can't do it. I am starting to self destruct and I can't. Going back to 387 pounds isn't an option for me because I don't want to live at that weight. I get angry and ask God why is a weight issue my cross to bare? It's too much, I can't do it. I am getting light physically, but emotionally I still feel heavy and broken. I wish this was a happier and more positive post, but its the truth. And my prayer today is that the truth  will set me free. I need it to because I feel like I am on the road of perpetual darkness. I will try again tomorrow. One foot in front of the other...

An attitude of gratitude

It's been 5 months since I started this journey to a better me. 5 months since I lay in my bed and prayed that God would take the breath from my lungs. I begged him not to wake me up the next morning unless He would show me a way out of the hell I was enduring every day. That was then. This is now. I am 102 pounds lighter. People ask me everyday.."How do you feel?" My only response is "like a completely different person!" And it feels great. The title of this blog is a journey to effortless, and holy buckets am I getting there. I can run two flights of stairs without being winded whatsoever. Before, I could barely make it in from the parking lot at work without looking and sounding like I was on mile 25 of the Boston Marathon. I walk faster, move easier, and have more energy. Sure, there is still a lot of head work that needs to be done, and that may never go away. The emotional scars run deep for me and there is always that little voice in the back of my head saying in a little sing songy voice...you are still fat, you are still ugly, no one loves you, you are a dirty, disgusting little girl. But that voice at least is getting quieter, and I am starting to love myself regardless of that annoying little bastard. I am proud of myself. Proud that with everything on my plate, 2 jobs and going to school, and trying to manage life at home, I am still successful. I am still sticking to my guns and eating healthy. I balance many things day to day, and sometimes, I feel like there is too much, but one thing I know for sure, is that I am worthy of seeing this journey to the end. No matter how much I have on my plate, this journey, this quest to a better, happier, healthier me, remains priority #1. As long as I am doing what I think is best for me, the rest will fall into place. I also want to take a second to say thank you. Thank you to those of you who read this blog who I know personally, and those whom I have never even met. Without your support and encouragement, this would have been so much more difficult. Thank you for taking time to reach out to me with kind words on facebook, or calling or texting me, or sending cards. There were days when I wanted to give up, but because someone took the time to reach out and encourage me, I didn't. And that is why I am where I am today...102 pounds lighter.