Quotable Quote

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” -Swami Sivananda

I posted this on my facebook wall earlier in the week. For those of you who know me well, I am a big quote person. I love the wisdom they provide, and somehow, I can always find one to fit exactly what it is I am going through. This one was particularly powerful for me this week. I realized that what this man talks about in his quote, is exactly what I have been doing my whole life, and I can say with certainty, that I am not alone. I have been emotionally running from all the hurt in my life for so long, that it's all I knew how to do. I would shut people out if they got too terribly close. A few years back, I had some fairly serious medical problems. The bills were stacking up on top of debt that I already had, and I was terrified because I didn't know how to get our from underneath it all. Instead of opening the bills, or calling to make payment arrangements, I would ignore them as if they didn't exist. I realize that this makes zero sense, but I was afraid. However, by putting up those walls, and numbing myself to the urgency of that situation, I have suffered because of it. It didn't do good things for my credit, and also shredded my self worth and personal integrity. I am sharing this topic because it's been a source of pain for a long long time. Because I chose to ignore those problems, they created more problems and more shame, and more problems and more shame. Again, a vicious cycle. I just kept running, and running and running, and it got me to almost 400 pounds. So, I faced that challenge head on. It was scary as hell to face it. I was angry and ashamed and felt like a piece of crap. But I am happy to say that today, I have 90% of all that debt paid off, and I now make very different choices financially. And Mr.Sivananda is correct. Peace IS found in victory and not in denial, and I will choose to never forget that. I once heard somewhere that you should do something everyday that scares you....and for me today, sharing this story of shame was it. There is hope, there is peace, but you just have to choose it.

Ready or not, here I come!

It's been a doozy of a week. I found myself stressed out in the middle of mid-terms, frustrated by things at work, and there just didn't seem to ever be enough hours in the day. Through it all, however, I stuck to my eating plan, and found new ways to deal with all the stress. I find that now that I have my eating under control, I can handle the stress a lot better, because I know that I am not going to be eating my weight in ice cream to deal with it. I went shopping on Saturday for some new clothes. Jamie said it was the first time that she could remember me trying on clothes and me not coming out of the dressing room with tears in my eyes.The things I tried on and bought actually fit, and looked good. It's been a long time since that has happened. The days of wanting to cheat become fewer and farther between. I am doing very well. It's is, however, interesting that in times such as these, you find out who your real friends are. People that I thought would be supportive and happy for me, are anything but. Nasty, ugly personalities come out and the only thing that I can think of that causes it is jealousy. But for the life of me, why would someone be jealous of ME??? It has always been me that has been envious of others. I would look at thin beautiful women, and think to myself, "God, I wish I could look like that, have that, be that" whatever it was, I would be envious. The hurtful actions/words of others has been getting me down lately. I think the worst part about it, is that the people who have been crappy and jealous, have the power within themselves to change whatever it is about their lives that they wish was different. Just like me, they have the power to make different choices, be different people, do different things. You just have to be at a point in life where you want it bad enough. I woke up one morning this past summer feeling like I was suffocating. Every single bone in my body hurt. I was freaking miserable. I stepped on the scale and was horrified that it read 397 pounds. I knew at that point that this was not going to be my life. It was time, my time, and I was the only one who could do a gosh darn thing about it. No one held my hand, or made my meals, or drove me to the clinic every week to weigh in. I have made that choice by myself and with the love and support of those closest to me, I am doing it. I weighed myself on Saturday and had hit 50 pounds down. I am not going to let the jealousy and insecurities of people who really don't matter, get in my way or get me down. I am worth it, and I am creating a new life for myself. SO, either walk beside me, or get the hell out of the way, because ready or not, here I come!

This season of change

I was driving home from work in the sunshine today, and I was noticing how amazing the colors of this season really are. The reds, yellows/golds, oranges...ugh..just amazing. I often think that I would love to live elsewhere, somewhere warmer year round, but then I think of what I would miss about living in the Midwest, and fall tops the list. It is such a season of great change. The trees start to turn and eventually the leaves fall off leaving the tree naked in the sunlight. That is sometimes how I feel in this season of change in my life. Naked in the sunlight, baring my soul for all to see. And for the first time in my life, it feels right, not scary. I am shedding weight like crazy, I am becoming more confident in who I am as a person. My life is taking shape and it feels good. I am growing and moving forward and it's awesome. I made a big decision this week. I took another job in the Avera organization, and am leaving the OR. Surgery has been my home for over 7 1/2 years, and the people there are my family and some of my closest friends. I am too comfortable there, and I can do my job with my eyes closed. I know it frontward, backward, forward and sideways. I am in a season of growing, and I can't stand still any longer. Not in my life, and not in my career. In this season of being thankful, I am reflective upon all the good in my life. I think about how many people I love and who support me without abandon. I say it on a daily basis, but I am so blessed. I have good days, and bad days, but I am determined to stay thankful in this season of change in my life. I will look to the heavens and say thank you God for all the amazingness in my life. To those of you that follow this blog, and encourage me, THANK YOU. Your support is truly instrumental in my success, and I send each of you my love. Be blessed this week, and seek out things to be thankful for. Tell the people in your life that you love them, be kind to people that are difficult to be kind to. Go out and live the life you dream about..because YOU deserve it..just like I do.

Find me where I am, and love me.

Dear Jesus,
My heart is restless today. I feel worthless, and pathetic, and broken. I am lost wandering in the dark of night, and I need you to shine your light upon me. I need you to hold me close like a parent does to a small child. I want to rest my head upon your shoulder and cry and hear you tell me it will be alright. Find me Lord, right where I am, and love me. Amen.

I have days, today being one of them, where this is all I can do. Pray. Cry out to God and ask Him to rescue me from my darkness. All in all, my life is great. I have an amazing support system, a roof over my head, and a job that pays my bills. But honest to God, some days, it isn't enough. It isn't enough for me to feel secure and taken care of. That is the problem with survivors of sexual abuse. We never feel safe. We wait 24 hours a day for the rug to be pulled out from underneath of us. I am never calm inside. I have fleeting moments of peace, but they are short lived. Have you ever been nervous about something? The uneasy feeling that is deep down inside? I feel that all the time. Not just every so often. All the time. It never goes away. I worry about things constantly. I worry that co-workers at work are unhappy with me, I worry that I am not doing enough around the house, I worry I am not a good enough student,  I worry that I am not a good friend, partner, sister, daughter...blah blah blah...you name it, I worry about it. I worry about choices I made in the past financially, and worry that because of those choices, I won't be able to enjoy the things in life, like buying a house. I am in school to better myself, but I am not convinced that dental hygiene is the way to go. I think I would be a great hygienist, but it isn't where my passion lies. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do. And I feel crappy about it. I feel like a total lose bag, that I am 31 and have not one damn clue what I want to do with my life. I feel like if I don't continue down this path, then I am letting myself and my family down. I don't want to just give up, but I don't want to spend $60,000 to obtain a degree that isn't going to make me happy. I love my co-workers, but I am unhappy with my job, so what do I do? I don't have any answers, and I don't know where to go. SO...I pray. And I hope, and I just try to make it one day at a time.