Forgive me father, for I have sinned....

When I decided to go public with my weight loss journey, I never imagined that I would have such an amazing support network. It has been powerful. Along with support, however, comes accountability. With that said, I have a confession. I cheated this week. There, I said it. I cheated all week long..a cookie here...6 truffles here, a peanut cluster or 6 there...you get the point. I am not confessing because I feel I owe my support system an explanation, but I am confessing because I owe it to myself to come clean and start over, and not hold the guilt and shame inside. So, there it is. I cheated. And it was evident by the scale this week. I gained point 2 pounds. Instead of 82.8, I am down 82.6. Not a huge difference, but enough of one to shake me. It's so hard, but I am determined to keep going. I looked in the mirror the other day and was actually happy with what I saw. I want to keep feeling that. I want to start thinking of myself as a beautiful person...and I am getting there..one step at a time, but as of today, one step back. I am choosing to be realistic and understand that this is a hard time of year. I will start over, and keep going..because life it too short not to.

Say Goodbye

The following song is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. Even though I am feeling down and sad, and like I am lost and wandering and questioning a lot of things in life...I still give thanks to a God that loves me and gives me a chance everyday to say goodbye. Here's to 65 pounds down and counting! Happy Thanksgiving my friends!



"Say Goodbye"

To the voice to the liar in the mirror
Sayin you can't ever change
To the guilt that's sittin on your shoulder
Always keepin you locked in chains
To the past that you can't undo
To the pain that you're walkin through
To the small and the big mistakes
This is what love wants to say

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
To the one that used to be
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Everyday is a brand new mercy
Hello
Hello
This is where it starts now
Hello
Hello
Everything can turn around

In a moment, here's your moment
You can say goodbye

There is grace that you can't imagine
There is love that you can't out run
There is peace that you can hold onto
When your world is comin undone
You don't have give into the fear
Don't have to have let your story stop here
And when the hand tries to pull you back
You don't have to back, you don't have to go back


To everything that breaks you down
It doesn't have to define you now
Jesus came to take it all away


In a moment, here's the moment
Where you say goodbye

Attitude adjustment

"I want to remember that no one is going to make my dreams come true for me...it is my job to get up everyday and work towards the things that are deepest in my heart, and enjoy every step of the journey rather than just wishing I was already where I want to end up."

I wish I could give credit to the author of this quote, but it was a pinterest find. I know, I know, insert your shocked face here. I am a pinterest addict! It's hard not to be when you find gem's like this!
I used to be one of those people who would look at other's and want what they had, weather it was a great job, or thin figure, or whatever it was I felt I didn't have. I never thought I deserved anything good, so I was constantly wishing and hoping. I approach life with a new attitude, and this quote is exactly it. I tell myself everyday that if I want something, I am the only one who can attain it for myself. If I want a great job I have to go get it. If I want a thin body and healthy lifestyle, I have to make choices and take action to get me there. If I want to have peace in my my heart, I have to let go of all the crap that holds me back and forgive those who have hurt me. But most of all, I have to forgive myself for allowing myself to live a life that does not live up to my full potential. All I can do is move forward, keep moving and enjoy the journey.

A reason to be thankful

As I look back on the last 11 weeks, I realize just how far I have come. There are indicators both physically and emotionally. I tried some clothes on this weekend, and was absolutely shocked that they fit. There were two pairs of pants that I tried on that 11 weeks ago, I could not even get up past my hips, and on Saturday, I tried them on and they fit! I have gone down 3 pant sizes these 11 weeks and it feels great. People tell me all the time that they can tell I have lost a lot of weight, but I look in the mirror, and still see the fat girl I have always been. I know I am doing well, and I give myself credit, but it's difficult. I still avoid looking in the mirror, afraid that I won't see enough change, afraid that I will have the same feeling of not being good enough. I still have a lot to work on, clearly, but I am on the right track. I have to focus my attention on that positive fact. I AM on the right track, I AM good enough, and I AM worth it. And in this season of thankfulness, I am thankful that I am starting to believe it...

Quotable Quote

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” -Swami Sivananda

I posted this on my facebook wall earlier in the week. For those of you who know me well, I am a big quote person. I love the wisdom they provide, and somehow, I can always find one to fit exactly what it is I am going through. This one was particularly powerful for me this week. I realized that what this man talks about in his quote, is exactly what I have been doing my whole life, and I can say with certainty, that I am not alone. I have been emotionally running from all the hurt in my life for so long, that it's all I knew how to do. I would shut people out if they got too terribly close. A few years back, I had some fairly serious medical problems. The bills were stacking up on top of debt that I already had, and I was terrified because I didn't know how to get our from underneath it all. Instead of opening the bills, or calling to make payment arrangements, I would ignore them as if they didn't exist. I realize that this makes zero sense, but I was afraid. However, by putting up those walls, and numbing myself to the urgency of that situation, I have suffered because of it. It didn't do good things for my credit, and also shredded my self worth and personal integrity. I am sharing this topic because it's been a source of pain for a long long time. Because I chose to ignore those problems, they created more problems and more shame, and more problems and more shame. Again, a vicious cycle. I just kept running, and running and running, and it got me to almost 400 pounds. So, I faced that challenge head on. It was scary as hell to face it. I was angry and ashamed and felt like a piece of crap. But I am happy to say that today, I have 90% of all that debt paid off, and I now make very different choices financially. And Mr.Sivananda is correct. Peace IS found in victory and not in denial, and I will choose to never forget that. I once heard somewhere that you should do something everyday that scares you....and for me today, sharing this story of shame was it. There is hope, there is peace, but you just have to choose it.

Ready or not, here I come!

It's been a doozy of a week. I found myself stressed out in the middle of mid-terms, frustrated by things at work, and there just didn't seem to ever be enough hours in the day. Through it all, however, I stuck to my eating plan, and found new ways to deal with all the stress. I find that now that I have my eating under control, I can handle the stress a lot better, because I know that I am not going to be eating my weight in ice cream to deal with it. I went shopping on Saturday for some new clothes. Jamie said it was the first time that she could remember me trying on clothes and me not coming out of the dressing room with tears in my eyes.The things I tried on and bought actually fit, and looked good. It's been a long time since that has happened. The days of wanting to cheat become fewer and farther between. I am doing very well. It's is, however, interesting that in times such as these, you find out who your real friends are. People that I thought would be supportive and happy for me, are anything but. Nasty, ugly personalities come out and the only thing that I can think of that causes it is jealousy. But for the life of me, why would someone be jealous of ME??? It has always been me that has been envious of others. I would look at thin beautiful women, and think to myself, "God, I wish I could look like that, have that, be that" whatever it was, I would be envious. The hurtful actions/words of others has been getting me down lately. I think the worst part about it, is that the people who have been crappy and jealous, have the power within themselves to change whatever it is about their lives that they wish was different. Just like me, they have the power to make different choices, be different people, do different things. You just have to be at a point in life where you want it bad enough. I woke up one morning this past summer feeling like I was suffocating. Every single bone in my body hurt. I was freaking miserable. I stepped on the scale and was horrified that it read 397 pounds. I knew at that point that this was not going to be my life. It was time, my time, and I was the only one who could do a gosh darn thing about it. No one held my hand, or made my meals, or drove me to the clinic every week to weigh in. I have made that choice by myself and with the love and support of those closest to me, I am doing it. I weighed myself on Saturday and had hit 50 pounds down. I am not going to let the jealousy and insecurities of people who really don't matter, get in my way or get me down. I am worth it, and I am creating a new life for myself. SO, either walk beside me, or get the hell out of the way, because ready or not, here I come!

This season of change

I was driving home from work in the sunshine today, and I was noticing how amazing the colors of this season really are. The reds, yellows/golds, oranges...ugh..just amazing. I often think that I would love to live elsewhere, somewhere warmer year round, but then I think of what I would miss about living in the Midwest, and fall tops the list. It is such a season of great change. The trees start to turn and eventually the leaves fall off leaving the tree naked in the sunlight. That is sometimes how I feel in this season of change in my life. Naked in the sunlight, baring my soul for all to see. And for the first time in my life, it feels right, not scary. I am shedding weight like crazy, I am becoming more confident in who I am as a person. My life is taking shape and it feels good. I am growing and moving forward and it's awesome. I made a big decision this week. I took another job in the Avera organization, and am leaving the OR. Surgery has been my home for over 7 1/2 years, and the people there are my family and some of my closest friends. I am too comfortable there, and I can do my job with my eyes closed. I know it frontward, backward, forward and sideways. I am in a season of growing, and I can't stand still any longer. Not in my life, and not in my career. In this season of being thankful, I am reflective upon all the good in my life. I think about how many people I love and who support me without abandon. I say it on a daily basis, but I am so blessed. I have good days, and bad days, but I am determined to stay thankful in this season of change in my life. I will look to the heavens and say thank you God for all the amazingness in my life. To those of you that follow this blog, and encourage me, THANK YOU. Your support is truly instrumental in my success, and I send each of you my love. Be blessed this week, and seek out things to be thankful for. Tell the people in your life that you love them, be kind to people that are difficult to be kind to. Go out and live the life you dream about..because YOU deserve it..just like I do.

Find me where I am, and love me.

Dear Jesus,
My heart is restless today. I feel worthless, and pathetic, and broken. I am lost wandering in the dark of night, and I need you to shine your light upon me. I need you to hold me close like a parent does to a small child. I want to rest my head upon your shoulder and cry and hear you tell me it will be alright. Find me Lord, right where I am, and love me. Amen.

I have days, today being one of them, where this is all I can do. Pray. Cry out to God and ask Him to rescue me from my darkness. All in all, my life is great. I have an amazing support system, a roof over my head, and a job that pays my bills. But honest to God, some days, it isn't enough. It isn't enough for me to feel secure and taken care of. That is the problem with survivors of sexual abuse. We never feel safe. We wait 24 hours a day for the rug to be pulled out from underneath of us. I am never calm inside. I have fleeting moments of peace, but they are short lived. Have you ever been nervous about something? The uneasy feeling that is deep down inside? I feel that all the time. Not just every so often. All the time. It never goes away. I worry about things constantly. I worry that co-workers at work are unhappy with me, I worry that I am not doing enough around the house, I worry I am not a good enough student,  I worry that I am not a good friend, partner, sister, daughter...blah blah blah...you name it, I worry about it. I worry about choices I made in the past financially, and worry that because of those choices, I won't be able to enjoy the things in life, like buying a house. I am in school to better myself, but I am not convinced that dental hygiene is the way to go. I think I would be a great hygienist, but it isn't where my passion lies. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do. And I feel crappy about it. I feel like a total lose bag, that I am 31 and have not one damn clue what I want to do with my life. I feel like if I don't continue down this path, then I am letting myself and my family down. I don't want to just give up, but I don't want to spend $60,000 to obtain a degree that isn't going to make me happy. I love my co-workers, but I am unhappy with my job, so what do I do? I don't have any answers, and I don't know where to go. SO...I pray. And I hope, and I just try to make it one day at a time.

Welcome to the pitty party!

I have been sitting in my chair, trying to write this blog for the last hour and a half. I have written and deleted 500 words, 19 different times! I am feeling like I have nothing to offer. Feeling kind of crappy about life in general, stressed about school, and just feeling worried.  I am feeling overwhelmed, and tormented by food I can't eat. I am afraid that when I phase off, that I will go crazy, eating everything in sight. So, I ask myself the question I always ask, "is eating that ____________ going to get me closer to my goal or take me farther away?" blah, blah blah. Terrible attitude. I know. But its real for me. It's where I am. Right now. Today. I can't be positive all the time. However, with all that said, I won't give up. I won't cheat myself out of a healthy life, just because it's hard. I have done that forver. When the going gets tough, I give up, make excuses, and tell myself how terrible I am. It's what I do. Correction, it's what I've done. I have to tell myself to keep fighting, keep going, don't give up. It will all be worth it in the end, so get off the pitty pot and get on with life. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance to make changes. I will keep telling myself this and be thankful for the blessings I am given. I will keep fighting, for me, my little girl, and anyone else who needs someone to fight for them. I will overcome...

In Dreams

I had a dream the other night that I was standing in my kitchen. I was stuffing my face full of food, like a ravenous, wild beast. Literally, everything in the fridge was going in my mouth. It was gross. I woke up in an absolute panic, terrified that it was real and that my worst fear had become true..I was not going to be successful. I could not do it. However, it was in that blissful moment that one realizes it was only a dream,  I was able to catch my breath, and tell myself just that..it was only a dream. The sad thing is, is that there have been points in my life where that wasn't just a dream. It was very much a reality. I had days where the murky waters of fear, self-loathing, and hopelessness would overtake me, and I would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on. I would stop on my way home from work after a bad day (or even a good day!) and pick up 3 cheeseburgers and a chicken sandwich and eat them at a speed that would impress Houdini himself. I would then, go home, make supper and eat again. It was a vicious cycle. I would long for weekends to be alone so I could eat and eat and eat and eat. I felt disgusting on the inside and in some way, I needed my outside to reflect the same ugliness that I felt on the inside. That is what I thought I deserved. But I am learning this isn't the truth. I don't deserve a vicious cycle of overeating, and the hatred and sorrow that comes with it. I deserve an amazing and healthy life, full of love and wonderful people. I deserve a healed heart and spirit. As I continue to go about life, I am realizing that I want to help people. I want to help people that are in the very spot that I was in before I started. I want to help them get out, stand up, and move forward from the black nightmare that they live everyday. I don't know what that looks like, but I am having so much fun dreaming of what that could mean for me. So, I pray for new dreams. Dreams filled with hope, and passion and light. I will turn those dreams into reality. Just wait and see.....

The positive side of self fulfilling prophecy

I find myself today in very unfamiliar territory. Rarely has there been a time in my life where I have set a goal and worked hard and ultimately achieved it. I have always derailed myself, telling myself I couldn't do it, it would be too hard, I am not good enough, not smart enough, not motivated enough, and eventually just fizzle out and let the goal go by the wayside. Ah yes, self fulfilling prophecy at it's finest. My mother, bless her heart, will tell you this to be true. I NEVER finish what I start. It is something that frustrates me, and one thing that I really have wanted to change about myself for years. When I started this journey one month ago today, I set a goal that I wanted to lose 25 pounds my first month. I weighed in this morning, and not only did I meet that goal, I surpassed it by 3.3 pounds! My official loss is 28.3 pounds. I feel the best I have ever felt in my entire life. I have a BIG goal weight loss wise. It would be easy to tell myself, there is NO WAY you are ever going to hit that goal..it's gonna take forever, it's gonna be too hard, you don't deserve it....and so on and so on and so on...however, here is where I am making changes. I need to remind myself, to not lose sight of the big picture, but don't allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. I have set goals of 25 pound increments, and those are what I am choosing to focus on rather than the amount as a whole. 25 pounds is very achievable I am finding out, and that is a self fulfilling prophecy I am happy to let play out!

All this time

There are many times throughout my day that I try to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking to me. In the times when I am feeling crappy about myself, and He whispers to my heart that I am His child and I was created in His image, or when I've spoken unkindly about someone behind their back He quietly reminds me that no one is perfect, and everyone is trying to endure their own life storm, and maybe instead of thinking badly of someone, they just need someone to show them love instead of rudeness and crabby words. God speaks to me. Everyday. Often times on my way to work, I listen to Life 96.5 and I will hear God speak to me through song.This morning, on my way to work, a song came on that I have heard a couple of times before, but for some reason, this morning the words captivated me. I heard every word, and they pierced the very being of my soul. And as the tears ran down my face, I felt God speaking to me. He said, "Kate my beloved, this is your story, and I am going to use it for my purpose." Here are the words to the song "All this time" by an artist named Britt Nicole.

I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cried
'Til today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Oh,oh,oh,yeah
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
It's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story------

All this time
From the first tear cry
'Til today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooooooooh
You've been walking with me all this time

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And that's all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

Ooooooooh
Youve been walking with me all this time

All this time
From the first tear cry
Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
 As I continue blogging, and searching for the good in me, I feel as though I am getting stronger. My self confidence is growing, my passion for acheiving and maintaining a healthy lifestyle increases, and my need to get my story out there so I can help as many people as possible is constant. As I speak out against the abuse I endured as a child, it feels lonely. I know that there are many, many people that I encounter everyday have suffered abuse as well, and it's a club that isn't necessarily an honor to be a part of. But I won't stay silent anymore. My abusers (yes there were a couple) may have taken my childhood, but I refuse to let them claim my life any longer. I am letting my past go, and moving on to my future. And I am grateful for God's constant presence in my life. He isn't just here now, he has been there...All this time.

little girl in my wallet

A few times throughout my life, I have attempted to deal with the abuse in my past. I have seen therapists, and had several conversations with some close friends. But somehow, I can't seem to move past the demons that haunt me. It's so frustrating to spend thousands of dollars on therapy, only to have the same crap come up over and over and over. Maybe I just haven't really been ready to let it all go. After all, it's how I have defined myself for so long. Dirty, used, filthy, unworthy, unlovable. I don't know what I look like without these horrible things attached to  myself. Truthfully, I am scared as hell to lose the weight. I have no idea what I look like "healthy", emotionally and physically. I need to lose the weight to be physically healthy, and gaining it all back is a concern, but even more so, I am concerned about who I am without the weight. I don't know that person. Is she funny? (cuz, I like to think of myself as funny, and if I lose that...well....I just won't go there!) Is she confident? Is she a positive person? All of these things run through my head. How will I change? In what ways do I stay the same? It's kind of scary to think about. A long time ago, when I was in therapy, my therapist suggested that I find a picture of myself from about the time the abuse started, and really look at the little girl in the picture. So I did. She asked me if I thought that little girl could be expected to stand up to someone who was hurting her. No. How could a young child EVER be expected to take responsibility for someone else's criminal actions? The answer is easy. Of course you can't expect that of a young child. I carry that picture in my wallet and take it with me wherever I go.  I look at that picture of myself when I was little, and detach myself a bit. What a beautiful, sweet, smart child I see before me, a bright future ahead of her. Then, I see again that it is me, and all that good stuff goes away. I see the dirty, used, filthy, unworthy little girl that I have felt for so long, and the cycle of self destructive behavior continues. But I have to keep fighting. I have to keep fighting for that little girl I carry in my wallet because even tho I don't think the adult Kate is worth fighting for, she is, and I know I have to start there. The rest will come..I just have to keep fighting.

My pounds of pain

"Slow and steady wins the race". How many times have you heard this in your lifetime? I have heard it hundreds of times. I weighed in yesterday and was down another 3 pounds, bringing my total to 18.5 pounds in two weeks. I know, I know...18.5 pounds is AMAZING! But after a 15.5 pound loss the first week, 3 pounds seems a little...disappointing. So I told myself, a loss is a loss, and went about my day. I am trying like heck to focus on how I am feeling, rather than the numbers. I feel great (physically), mentally...well, I will continue to work on that! I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and robbed of my peace. I have started classes, and I have a feeling this semester is going to be challenging for me. It seems like a lot all at once. Going to school, working almost full time, taking on a huge weight loss venture, but the hardest thing is the emotional and psychological work that goes with changing your life. I realize, as I continue to blog that I have not really shared my story, the reasons why I am where I am. Part of me is afraid. A lot of me is embarrassed, and ashamed. But the longer I hold the ugliness inside of me, the worse off I am going to be. I am not fat because I like to eat. I am fat because I use food to mask my pain. When I was a little girl, I was sexually abused, and since I was 6 years old, I have felt like a used piece of trash, unworthy, and filthy. I have conditioned myself over and over that I am nothing and will never amount to anything. So I live in perpetual darkness, allowing those demons to tell me on a daily basis that I am trash, that I deserved and caused the abuse that was forced upon me. So I eat. I eat to put on pounds to protect myself. It's my armour. And it's getting heavy...every pun intended. And I am tired. Tired of wandering in the dark, lost and sad. I want sun and light, and joy. I read the blog of a woman who recently lost a child. There was a quote on her blog about suffering, and although we are suffering different kinds of pain, the meaning behind it holds truth for all suffering, and it is as follows:
"The quickest way for someone to find sun and light of day is NOT to head West chasing after the setting sun, but to head East, plunging into darkness until one comes to the sunrise." I thought that was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, and it gave me hope. Hope that one day, after plunging through the darkness, I will come to the sunrise. And although my brain tells me I deserve darkness, my heart tells me I deserve better, and that is what I am going to choose to listen to.

The good in me

Tonight, I am experiencing the opposite of writers block. I have so many things rolling around in my head, that I am having a hard time putting everything into one complete thought. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the love, support and encouragement from friends, family and co-workers. As I continue this blog, I am discovering that the things I struggle with, many others do too. And it isn't just the struggles surrounding weight and overeating. Many of us struggle with doubt, self destructive behavior/thoughts, and so on. It's an epidemic, especially with women. I could talk all day long about the MANY people in my life that I love, and could talk for hours about the things that make them such amazing people, but if you were to ask me to give you something good about myself, I would have a very hard time giving you something that I thought was worthy enough. And so the quest to find "the good in me" begins. It's a journey, and a process and not always easy to do. But I stand here willing and able, longing for peace. And it seems like a very good place to start.

The transparency of my secret

It's always in the quiet moments that I find myself struggling the most. When I am at home, by myself in the peace and quiet, that is when the raging waters of fear, doubt, self hatred and negative thoughts over take me. Why then? What is significant about being "alone" that triggers this on-set of self destructive behavior. I literally think to myself (with some mild exaggeration here)," go ahead, eat 3 bowls of cereal, two cheeseburgers, 2 gallons of ice cream, 99 M&M's, and a partridge in a pear tree...who the hell is going to know?" I always think, "it will be my little secret". I can lie to myself all I want, but the reality is that it's never really a secret at all. It's spelled out loud and clear by the excess weight on my body.  If  overeating really could be a "secret" I would weigh 145 pounds everyday for the rest of my life, never gaining a pound! Someone at work once said to me "it looks like you eat healthy when your here at work, so, man...you really must eat A LOT when you are home!" ....Why thank you for that observation Captain Obvious! Yes, the truth hurts...home is where I do a lot of my eating, and that, my friends may just be a secret worth looking into.

Dori's wise words

As I begin this journey to a better me, I am forced to look at behaviors in my life, and make the decision as to whether or not they support the ideal of a healthy life, or drag me further away. I see that I have issues with emotional eating, self-control, self loathing, overly critical of myself and others, boy, this list sure is getting uncomfortably long..insert picture of girl sweating bullets here! Anyhow, ya get the point, this girl has issues. So if I don't take care of these issues, how am I going to support the ideal of a healthy life-style long term? I ask myself this everyday. It's always in the forefront of my mind, how do I get this transformation to be a permanent life-style. I don't think there is an easy answer, it's going to be a daily challange. Part of overcoming challanges, is to surround yourself with a strong support system. check! Ok..got that. Number 2, cut yourself some slack and understand that no one is ever perfect, ok...will work on that! Number 3, never lose sight of the end goal, put yourself in a mind frame of constantly striving towards that goal, and when you reach that, set a new goal. No matter what...JUST KEEP SWIMMING! :)

How do you spell motivation? B-a-g-g-y!

I have been overweight pretty much my entire life. Looking back, I can't ever remember a time where I felt thin. I have always watched people around me and noticed how effortless their movements were. How easily they moved around, and bent over to tie their shoes, or how little energy it took for them to buckle their seat belts. If you have paid attention to the title of my blog, it is called "journey to effortless" I wan't to know what it feels like to move effortlessly, without breaking a sweat just to do life's normal tasks. Last night after I blogged about wanting to eat fast food, I was feeling a little bummed. But I stuck to my guns, and didn't give in. This morning I put on a pair of jean capri's that I bought in June. They were too tight when they arrived, so I only wore them once, frustrated that I had spent the money and couldn't wear them. Even more than that, I was devestated that the pair that I had ordered was the largest size that website carried. But this morning when I tried them on, not only did they fit, but they were baggy!!! I was almost moved to tears, and for me today, BAGGY is how you spell motivation! :)

Here comes the challange!

Tonight, I am seeing how different life is becoming. A normal Friday night would have included grabbing fast food on my way home from work, especially when I work late. However, tonight, I came home, baked some fish and made my salad with vegetables. I am feeling good about that, but tonight was the first time that I actually had a pang of wanting something that right now, I can't eat. Right here, this feeling of wanting to give in, is where the rubber meets the road. It's in these moments, where I want to cheat, and where my brain tells me, "you know you are not going to make it anyway, so what's the point? Just do it." I have to focus on my goal, and ask myself, if giving in, and eating crap is going to get me closer to that goal, or put me further behind...and the question answers itself...

Sticks and Stones...

You know how the old saying goes..."Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It's something I heard in my childhood a lot. Kids said it all the time when others were verbally assaulting them. But really, I would like to find the creator of this phrase, and throw down the B.S. card. Words do hurt. Sometimes, more than a kick in the face with a golf shoe. Here is an example. Every year, when the circus comes to town, I groan a little bit. Who doesn't love the circus? I used to as a child go with my family every year and I LOVED it! All the smells and sights and sounds were exhillerating! Well, fast forward to my freshman year in high school. A group of 10 or so kids were standing around and we were making plans to go to the circus that night. One kid, who I think was trying to be funny, said outloud the following, "yeah...and to save money, instead of riding the elephants, we can just ride Kate!" It was like time stopped at that moment. I was crushed, humiliated and heartbroken. How could someone be so cruel? In many ways I still stand in that hallway frozen in time with his words echoing in my mind. I tell myself that I am an elephant. I tell myself that I am not worthy, and I have no idea why people like me. I am sure I am not the only one who has had horrible things said to them, but my point is that my freshman year was 16 years ago and I still carry that with me as tho it were yesterday. Now, I remained "friends" with that kid for the duration of my high school career, even after our senior year when he said "Kate, if you weren't so fat, you would be the prettiest girl in school" to which I said "I know". These are the kinds of demons I need to shake, to send flying into the depths of the earth. They don't have a place in my heart anymore, because even tho "sticks and stones may break my bones, your rotten words have the potential to crush my spirit forever..."

An elephant chained to the post

All my life I have been an elephant chained to the post. How's that for positive self imagery? Nice,eh? Now, I am not really calling myself an elephant, so let me explain. When baby elephants are born, and being trained in the circus, the trainers chain their ankle to a metal post to keep them from wandering off. They are conditioned over and over that they cannot break that metal chain, the thing that ultimately keeps them from being free. Even when they grow up to be these large, magnifient creatures, their brain tells them that they can't break free, even though we all know they possess the power within themselves to very easily pull away and break the chains. That is why I compare myself to an elephant chained to a post. Me, being the elephant, and my fears, doubts, demons, and self loathing,which physically translates into extra weight on my body, keeps me from breaking through to freedom. But, today is a new day for me. I am sick and tired of sitting on the sidelines of life, watching everyone around me live and pursue their dreams. It's my turn. And why not? I deserve to be happy and have peace in my life. Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I am going to give myself reasons why I can. Yesterday marked week one of being on the Ideal Protein lifestyle. I lost 15.5 pounds and 6 inches. I feel amazing. I am choosing to ignore the people who tell me I will gain all the weight back, or that this isn't going to work. I am choosing to love myself and for the first time ever, give myself a chance. For the first time ever, I am going to break the chains and fly free.