In Dreams

I had a dream the other night that I was standing in my kitchen. I was stuffing my face full of food, like a ravenous, wild beast. Literally, everything in the fridge was going in my mouth. It was gross. I woke up in an absolute panic, terrified that it was real and that my worst fear had become true..I was not going to be successful. I could not do it. However, it was in that blissful moment that one realizes it was only a dream,  I was able to catch my breath, and tell myself just that..it was only a dream. The sad thing is, is that there have been points in my life where that wasn't just a dream. It was very much a reality. I had days where the murky waters of fear, self-loathing, and hopelessness would overtake me, and I would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on. I would stop on my way home from work after a bad day (or even a good day!) and pick up 3 cheeseburgers and a chicken sandwich and eat them at a speed that would impress Houdini himself. I would then, go home, make supper and eat again. It was a vicious cycle. I would long for weekends to be alone so I could eat and eat and eat and eat. I felt disgusting on the inside and in some way, I needed my outside to reflect the same ugliness that I felt on the inside. That is what I thought I deserved. But I am learning this isn't the truth. I don't deserve a vicious cycle of overeating, and the hatred and sorrow that comes with it. I deserve an amazing and healthy life, full of love and wonderful people. I deserve a healed heart and spirit. As I continue to go about life, I am realizing that I want to help people. I want to help people that are in the very spot that I was in before I started. I want to help them get out, stand up, and move forward from the black nightmare that they live everyday. I don't know what that looks like, but I am having so much fun dreaming of what that could mean for me. So, I pray for new dreams. Dreams filled with hope, and passion and light. I will turn those dreams into reality. Just wait and see.....