Welcome to the pitty party!

I have been sitting in my chair, trying to write this blog for the last hour and a half. I have written and deleted 500 words, 19 different times! I am feeling like I have nothing to offer. Feeling kind of crappy about life in general, stressed about school, and just feeling worried.  I am feeling overwhelmed, and tormented by food I can't eat. I am afraid that when I phase off, that I will go crazy, eating everything in sight. So, I ask myself the question I always ask, "is eating that ____________ going to get me closer to my goal or take me farther away?" blah, blah blah. Terrible attitude. I know. But its real for me. It's where I am. Right now. Today. I can't be positive all the time. However, with all that said, I won't give up. I won't cheat myself out of a healthy life, just because it's hard. I have done that forver. When the going gets tough, I give up, make excuses, and tell myself how terrible I am. It's what I do. Correction, it's what I've done. I have to tell myself to keep fighting, keep going, don't give up. It will all be worth it in the end, so get off the pitty pot and get on with life. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance to make changes. I will keep telling myself this and be thankful for the blessings I am given. I will keep fighting, for me, my little girl, and anyone else who needs someone to fight for them. I will overcome...

In Dreams

I had a dream the other night that I was standing in my kitchen. I was stuffing my face full of food, like a ravenous, wild beast. Literally, everything in the fridge was going in my mouth. It was gross. I woke up in an absolute panic, terrified that it was real and that my worst fear had become true..I was not going to be successful. I could not do it. However, it was in that blissful moment that one realizes it was only a dream,  I was able to catch my breath, and tell myself just that..it was only a dream. The sad thing is, is that there have been points in my life where that wasn't just a dream. It was very much a reality. I had days where the murky waters of fear, self-loathing, and hopelessness would overtake me, and I would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on. I would stop on my way home from work after a bad day (or even a good day!) and pick up 3 cheeseburgers and a chicken sandwich and eat them at a speed that would impress Houdini himself. I would then, go home, make supper and eat again. It was a vicious cycle. I would long for weekends to be alone so I could eat and eat and eat and eat. I felt disgusting on the inside and in some way, I needed my outside to reflect the same ugliness that I felt on the inside. That is what I thought I deserved. But I am learning this isn't the truth. I don't deserve a vicious cycle of overeating, and the hatred and sorrow that comes with it. I deserve an amazing and healthy life, full of love and wonderful people. I deserve a healed heart and spirit. As I continue to go about life, I am realizing that I want to help people. I want to help people that are in the very spot that I was in before I started. I want to help them get out, stand up, and move forward from the black nightmare that they live everyday. I don't know what that looks like, but I am having so much fun dreaming of what that could mean for me. So, I pray for new dreams. Dreams filled with hope, and passion and light. I will turn those dreams into reality. Just wait and see.....

The positive side of self fulfilling prophecy

I find myself today in very unfamiliar territory. Rarely has there been a time in my life where I have set a goal and worked hard and ultimately achieved it. I have always derailed myself, telling myself I couldn't do it, it would be too hard, I am not good enough, not smart enough, not motivated enough, and eventually just fizzle out and let the goal go by the wayside. Ah yes, self fulfilling prophecy at it's finest. My mother, bless her heart, will tell you this to be true. I NEVER finish what I start. It is something that frustrates me, and one thing that I really have wanted to change about myself for years. When I started this journey one month ago today, I set a goal that I wanted to lose 25 pounds my first month. I weighed in this morning, and not only did I meet that goal, I surpassed it by 3.3 pounds! My official loss is 28.3 pounds. I feel the best I have ever felt in my entire life. I have a BIG goal weight loss wise. It would be easy to tell myself, there is NO WAY you are ever going to hit that goal..it's gonna take forever, it's gonna be too hard, you don't deserve it....and so on and so on and so on...however, here is where I am making changes. I need to remind myself, to not lose sight of the big picture, but don't allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. I have set goals of 25 pound increments, and those are what I am choosing to focus on rather than the amount as a whole. 25 pounds is very achievable I am finding out, and that is a self fulfilling prophecy I am happy to let play out!

All this time

There are many times throughout my day that I try to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking to me. In the times when I am feeling crappy about myself, and He whispers to my heart that I am His child and I was created in His image, or when I've spoken unkindly about someone behind their back He quietly reminds me that no one is perfect, and everyone is trying to endure their own life storm, and maybe instead of thinking badly of someone, they just need someone to show them love instead of rudeness and crabby words. God speaks to me. Everyday. Often times on my way to work, I listen to Life 96.5 and I will hear God speak to me through song.This morning, on my way to work, a song came on that I have heard a couple of times before, but for some reason, this morning the words captivated me. I heard every word, and they pierced the very being of my soul. And as the tears ran down my face, I felt God speaking to me. He said, "Kate my beloved, this is your story, and I am going to use it for my purpose." Here are the words to the song "All this time" by an artist named Britt Nicole.

I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cried
'Til today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Oh,oh,oh,yeah
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
It's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story------

All this time
From the first tear cry
'Til today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooooooooh
You've been walking with me all this time

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And that's all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

Ooooooooh
Youve been walking with me all this time

All this time
From the first tear cry
Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
 As I continue blogging, and searching for the good in me, I feel as though I am getting stronger. My self confidence is growing, my passion for acheiving and maintaining a healthy lifestyle increases, and my need to get my story out there so I can help as many people as possible is constant. As I speak out against the abuse I endured as a child, it feels lonely. I know that there are many, many people that I encounter everyday have suffered abuse as well, and it's a club that isn't necessarily an honor to be a part of. But I won't stay silent anymore. My abusers (yes there were a couple) may have taken my childhood, but I refuse to let them claim my life any longer. I am letting my past go, and moving on to my future. And I am grateful for God's constant presence in my life. He isn't just here now, he has been there...All this time.

little girl in my wallet

A few times throughout my life, I have attempted to deal with the abuse in my past. I have seen therapists, and had several conversations with some close friends. But somehow, I can't seem to move past the demons that haunt me. It's so frustrating to spend thousands of dollars on therapy, only to have the same crap come up over and over and over. Maybe I just haven't really been ready to let it all go. After all, it's how I have defined myself for so long. Dirty, used, filthy, unworthy, unlovable. I don't know what I look like without these horrible things attached to  myself. Truthfully, I am scared as hell to lose the weight. I have no idea what I look like "healthy", emotionally and physically. I need to lose the weight to be physically healthy, and gaining it all back is a concern, but even more so, I am concerned about who I am without the weight. I don't know that person. Is she funny? (cuz, I like to think of myself as funny, and if I lose that...well....I just won't go there!) Is she confident? Is she a positive person? All of these things run through my head. How will I change? In what ways do I stay the same? It's kind of scary to think about. A long time ago, when I was in therapy, my therapist suggested that I find a picture of myself from about the time the abuse started, and really look at the little girl in the picture. So I did. She asked me if I thought that little girl could be expected to stand up to someone who was hurting her. No. How could a young child EVER be expected to take responsibility for someone else's criminal actions? The answer is easy. Of course you can't expect that of a young child. I carry that picture in my wallet and take it with me wherever I go.  I look at that picture of myself when I was little, and detach myself a bit. What a beautiful, sweet, smart child I see before me, a bright future ahead of her. Then, I see again that it is me, and all that good stuff goes away. I see the dirty, used, filthy, unworthy little girl that I have felt for so long, and the cycle of self destructive behavior continues. But I have to keep fighting. I have to keep fighting for that little girl I carry in my wallet because even tho I don't think the adult Kate is worth fighting for, she is, and I know I have to start there. The rest will come..I just have to keep fighting.