little girl in my wallet

A few times throughout my life, I have attempted to deal with the abuse in my past. I have seen therapists, and had several conversations with some close friends. But somehow, I can't seem to move past the demons that haunt me. It's so frustrating to spend thousands of dollars on therapy, only to have the same crap come up over and over and over. Maybe I just haven't really been ready to let it all go. After all, it's how I have defined myself for so long. Dirty, used, filthy, unworthy, unlovable. I don't know what I look like without these horrible things attached to  myself. Truthfully, I am scared as hell to lose the weight. I have no idea what I look like "healthy", emotionally and physically. I need to lose the weight to be physically healthy, and gaining it all back is a concern, but even more so, I am concerned about who I am without the weight. I don't know that person. Is she funny? (cuz, I like to think of myself as funny, and if I lose that...well....I just won't go there!) Is she confident? Is she a positive person? All of these things run through my head. How will I change? In what ways do I stay the same? It's kind of scary to think about. A long time ago, when I was in therapy, my therapist suggested that I find a picture of myself from about the time the abuse started, and really look at the little girl in the picture. So I did. She asked me if I thought that little girl could be expected to stand up to someone who was hurting her. No. How could a young child EVER be expected to take responsibility for someone else's criminal actions? The answer is easy. Of course you can't expect that of a young child. I carry that picture in my wallet and take it with me wherever I go.  I look at that picture of myself when I was little, and detach myself a bit. What a beautiful, sweet, smart child I see before me, a bright future ahead of her. Then, I see again that it is me, and all that good stuff goes away. I see the dirty, used, filthy, unworthy little girl that I have felt for so long, and the cycle of self destructive behavior continues. But I have to keep fighting. I have to keep fighting for that little girl I carry in my wallet because even tho I don't think the adult Kate is worth fighting for, she is, and I know I have to start there. The rest will come..I just have to keep fighting.