My pounds of pain

"Slow and steady wins the race". How many times have you heard this in your lifetime? I have heard it hundreds of times. I weighed in yesterday and was down another 3 pounds, bringing my total to 18.5 pounds in two weeks. I know, I know...18.5 pounds is AMAZING! But after a 15.5 pound loss the first week, 3 pounds seems a little...disappointing. So I told myself, a loss is a loss, and went about my day. I am trying like heck to focus on how I am feeling, rather than the numbers. I feel great (physically), mentally...well, I will continue to work on that! I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and robbed of my peace. I have started classes, and I have a feeling this semester is going to be challenging for me. It seems like a lot all at once. Going to school, working almost full time, taking on a huge weight loss venture, but the hardest thing is the emotional and psychological work that goes with changing your life. I realize, as I continue to blog that I have not really shared my story, the reasons why I am where I am. Part of me is afraid. A lot of me is embarrassed, and ashamed. But the longer I hold the ugliness inside of me, the worse off I am going to be. I am not fat because I like to eat. I am fat because I use food to mask my pain. When I was a little girl, I was sexually abused, and since I was 6 years old, I have felt like a used piece of trash, unworthy, and filthy. I have conditioned myself over and over that I am nothing and will never amount to anything. So I live in perpetual darkness, allowing those demons to tell me on a daily basis that I am trash, that I deserved and caused the abuse that was forced upon me. So I eat. I eat to put on pounds to protect myself. It's my armour. And it's getting heavy...every pun intended. And I am tired. Tired of wandering in the dark, lost and sad. I want sun and light, and joy. I read the blog of a woman who recently lost a child. There was a quote on her blog about suffering, and although we are suffering different kinds of pain, the meaning behind it holds truth for all suffering, and it is as follows:
"The quickest way for someone to find sun and light of day is NOT to head West chasing after the setting sun, but to head East, plunging into darkness until one comes to the sunrise." I thought that was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, and it gave me hope. Hope that one day, after plunging through the darkness, I will come to the sunrise. And although my brain tells me I deserve darkness, my heart tells me I deserve better, and that is what I am going to choose to listen to.

The good in me

Tonight, I am experiencing the opposite of writers block. I have so many things rolling around in my head, that I am having a hard time putting everything into one complete thought. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the love, support and encouragement from friends, family and co-workers. As I continue this blog, I am discovering that the things I struggle with, many others do too. And it isn't just the struggles surrounding weight and overeating. Many of us struggle with doubt, self destructive behavior/thoughts, and so on. It's an epidemic, especially with women. I could talk all day long about the MANY people in my life that I love, and could talk for hours about the things that make them such amazing people, but if you were to ask me to give you something good about myself, I would have a very hard time giving you something that I thought was worthy enough. And so the quest to find "the good in me" begins. It's a journey, and a process and not always easy to do. But I stand here willing and able, longing for peace. And it seems like a very good place to start.

The transparency of my secret

It's always in the quiet moments that I find myself struggling the most. When I am at home, by myself in the peace and quiet, that is when the raging waters of fear, doubt, self hatred and negative thoughts over take me. Why then? What is significant about being "alone" that triggers this on-set of self destructive behavior. I literally think to myself (with some mild exaggeration here)," go ahead, eat 3 bowls of cereal, two cheeseburgers, 2 gallons of ice cream, 99 M&M's, and a partridge in a pear tree...who the hell is going to know?" I always think, "it will be my little secret". I can lie to myself all I want, but the reality is that it's never really a secret at all. It's spelled out loud and clear by the excess weight on my body.  If  overeating really could be a "secret" I would weigh 145 pounds everyday for the rest of my life, never gaining a pound! Someone at work once said to me "it looks like you eat healthy when your here at work, so, man...you really must eat A LOT when you are home!" ....Why thank you for that observation Captain Obvious! Yes, the truth hurts...home is where I do a lot of my eating, and that, my friends may just be a secret worth looking into.

Dori's wise words

As I begin this journey to a better me, I am forced to look at behaviors in my life, and make the decision as to whether or not they support the ideal of a healthy life, or drag me further away. I see that I have issues with emotional eating, self-control, self loathing, overly critical of myself and others, boy, this list sure is getting uncomfortably long..insert picture of girl sweating bullets here! Anyhow, ya get the point, this girl has issues. So if I don't take care of these issues, how am I going to support the ideal of a healthy life-style long term? I ask myself this everyday. It's always in the forefront of my mind, how do I get this transformation to be a permanent life-style. I don't think there is an easy answer, it's going to be a daily challange. Part of overcoming challanges, is to surround yourself with a strong support system. check! Ok..got that. Number 2, cut yourself some slack and understand that no one is ever perfect, ok...will work on that! Number 3, never lose sight of the end goal, put yourself in a mind frame of constantly striving towards that goal, and when you reach that, set a new goal. No matter what...JUST KEEP SWIMMING! :)

How do you spell motivation? B-a-g-g-y!

I have been overweight pretty much my entire life. Looking back, I can't ever remember a time where I felt thin. I have always watched people around me and noticed how effortless their movements were. How easily they moved around, and bent over to tie their shoes, or how little energy it took for them to buckle their seat belts. If you have paid attention to the title of my blog, it is called "journey to effortless" I wan't to know what it feels like to move effortlessly, without breaking a sweat just to do life's normal tasks. Last night after I blogged about wanting to eat fast food, I was feeling a little bummed. But I stuck to my guns, and didn't give in. This morning I put on a pair of jean capri's that I bought in June. They were too tight when they arrived, so I only wore them once, frustrated that I had spent the money and couldn't wear them. Even more than that, I was devestated that the pair that I had ordered was the largest size that website carried. But this morning when I tried them on, not only did they fit, but they were baggy!!! I was almost moved to tears, and for me today, BAGGY is how you spell motivation! :)

Here comes the challange!

Tonight, I am seeing how different life is becoming. A normal Friday night would have included grabbing fast food on my way home from work, especially when I work late. However, tonight, I came home, baked some fish and made my salad with vegetables. I am feeling good about that, but tonight was the first time that I actually had a pang of wanting something that right now, I can't eat. Right here, this feeling of wanting to give in, is where the rubber meets the road. It's in these moments, where I want to cheat, and where my brain tells me, "you know you are not going to make it anyway, so what's the point? Just do it." I have to focus on my goal, and ask myself, if giving in, and eating crap is going to get me closer to that goal, or put me further behind...and the question answers itself...

Sticks and Stones...

You know how the old saying goes..."Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It's something I heard in my childhood a lot. Kids said it all the time when others were verbally assaulting them. But really, I would like to find the creator of this phrase, and throw down the B.S. card. Words do hurt. Sometimes, more than a kick in the face with a golf shoe. Here is an example. Every year, when the circus comes to town, I groan a little bit. Who doesn't love the circus? I used to as a child go with my family every year and I LOVED it! All the smells and sights and sounds were exhillerating! Well, fast forward to my freshman year in high school. A group of 10 or so kids were standing around and we were making plans to go to the circus that night. One kid, who I think was trying to be funny, said outloud the following, "yeah...and to save money, instead of riding the elephants, we can just ride Kate!" It was like time stopped at that moment. I was crushed, humiliated and heartbroken. How could someone be so cruel? In many ways I still stand in that hallway frozen in time with his words echoing in my mind. I tell myself that I am an elephant. I tell myself that I am not worthy, and I have no idea why people like me. I am sure I am not the only one who has had horrible things said to them, but my point is that my freshman year was 16 years ago and I still carry that with me as tho it were yesterday. Now, I remained "friends" with that kid for the duration of my high school career, even after our senior year when he said "Kate, if you weren't so fat, you would be the prettiest girl in school" to which I said "I know". These are the kinds of demons I need to shake, to send flying into the depths of the earth. They don't have a place in my heart anymore, because even tho "sticks and stones may break my bones, your rotten words have the potential to crush my spirit forever..."

An elephant chained to the post

All my life I have been an elephant chained to the post. How's that for positive self imagery? Nice,eh? Now, I am not really calling myself an elephant, so let me explain. When baby elephants are born, and being trained in the circus, the trainers chain their ankle to a metal post to keep them from wandering off. They are conditioned over and over that they cannot break that metal chain, the thing that ultimately keeps them from being free. Even when they grow up to be these large, magnifient creatures, their brain tells them that they can't break free, even though we all know they possess the power within themselves to very easily pull away and break the chains. That is why I compare myself to an elephant chained to a post. Me, being the elephant, and my fears, doubts, demons, and self loathing,which physically translates into extra weight on my body, keeps me from breaking through to freedom. But, today is a new day for me. I am sick and tired of sitting on the sidelines of life, watching everyone around me live and pursue their dreams. It's my turn. And why not? I deserve to be happy and have peace in my life. Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I am going to give myself reasons why I can. Yesterday marked week one of being on the Ideal Protein lifestyle. I lost 15.5 pounds and 6 inches. I feel amazing. I am choosing to ignore the people who tell me I will gain all the weight back, or that this isn't going to work. I am choosing to love myself and for the first time ever, give myself a chance. For the first time ever, I am going to break the chains and fly free.