Darkness

It's been 3 months since my last post. I haven't written for a while because I feel as though I have nothing to say. But that really isn't true. I should say, I don't have anything that is easy to say or admit. There have some really bad days and pretty significant struggles in the past few months. I wish I could write a big long post about how great things are going. But that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is, that I am struggling pretty hard core. My heart feels broken and I feel so so lost. I have come so far in this journey, and for some reason I feel like its all going to slip away into the abyss and all be for not. My self destructive patterns have been out in full force and my spirit feels as though its growing weary. I feel out of control and scared. I have been searching and praying for the answer and I keep coming back to the same thing. I feel like I don't know who I am. All my life I have been fat. I know who fat Kate is. I know her story and what she feels and how she reacts to things. I don't know this new person I am becoming. Along with becoming someone new, that means change, and that is scary. I think also, I am afraid of failing. I have this goal, and I am scared I can't do it. Even though I am over half way to my goal, everything inside is telling me I can't do it, won't be able to do it. SO many people tell me how great I look and how proud they are of me, and I feel guilty saying this, but lately it isn't enough. It isn't enough to keep me on track. I have derailed myself constantly for the past 3 weeks, and it's starting to show on the scale. I am angry with myself, and tell myself, see..you can't do it. I am starting to self destruct and I can't. Going back to 387 pounds isn't an option for me because I don't want to live at that weight. I get angry and ask God why is a weight issue my cross to bare? It's too much, I can't do it. I am getting light physically, but emotionally I still feel heavy and broken. I wish this was a happier and more positive post, but its the truth. And my prayer today is that the truth  will set me free. I need it to because I feel like I am on the road of perpetual darkness. I will try again tomorrow. One foot in front of the other...