Find me where I am, and love me.

Dear Jesus,
My heart is restless today. I feel worthless, and pathetic, and broken. I am lost wandering in the dark of night, and I need you to shine your light upon me. I need you to hold me close like a parent does to a small child. I want to rest my head upon your shoulder and cry and hear you tell me it will be alright. Find me Lord, right where I am, and love me. Amen.

I have days, today being one of them, where this is all I can do. Pray. Cry out to God and ask Him to rescue me from my darkness. All in all, my life is great. I have an amazing support system, a roof over my head, and a job that pays my bills. But honest to God, some days, it isn't enough. It isn't enough for me to feel secure and taken care of. That is the problem with survivors of sexual abuse. We never feel safe. We wait 24 hours a day for the rug to be pulled out from underneath of us. I am never calm inside. I have fleeting moments of peace, but they are short lived. Have you ever been nervous about something? The uneasy feeling that is deep down inside? I feel that all the time. Not just every so often. All the time. It never goes away. I worry about things constantly. I worry that co-workers at work are unhappy with me, I worry that I am not doing enough around the house, I worry I am not a good enough student,  I worry that I am not a good friend, partner, sister, daughter...blah blah blah...you name it, I worry about it. I worry about choices I made in the past financially, and worry that because of those choices, I won't be able to enjoy the things in life, like buying a house. I am in school to better myself, but I am not convinced that dental hygiene is the way to go. I think I would be a great hygienist, but it isn't where my passion lies. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do. And I feel crappy about it. I feel like a total lose bag, that I am 31 and have not one damn clue what I want to do with my life. I feel like if I don't continue down this path, then I am letting myself and my family down. I don't want to just give up, but I don't want to spend $60,000 to obtain a degree that isn't going to make me happy. I love my co-workers, but I am unhappy with my job, so what do I do? I don't have any answers, and I don't know where to go. SO...I pray. And I hope, and I just try to make it one day at a time.