My pounds of pain

"Slow and steady wins the race". How many times have you heard this in your lifetime? I have heard it hundreds of times. I weighed in yesterday and was down another 3 pounds, bringing my total to 18.5 pounds in two weeks. I know, I know...18.5 pounds is AMAZING! But after a 15.5 pound loss the first week, 3 pounds seems a little...disappointing. So I told myself, a loss is a loss, and went about my day. I am trying like heck to focus on how I am feeling, rather than the numbers. I feel great (physically), mentally...well, I will continue to work on that! I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and robbed of my peace. I have started classes, and I have a feeling this semester is going to be challenging for me. It seems like a lot all at once. Going to school, working almost full time, taking on a huge weight loss venture, but the hardest thing is the emotional and psychological work that goes with changing your life. I realize, as I continue to blog that I have not really shared my story, the reasons why I am where I am. Part of me is afraid. A lot of me is embarrassed, and ashamed. But the longer I hold the ugliness inside of me, the worse off I am going to be. I am not fat because I like to eat. I am fat because I use food to mask my pain. When I was a little girl, I was sexually abused, and since I was 6 years old, I have felt like a used piece of trash, unworthy, and filthy. I have conditioned myself over and over that I am nothing and will never amount to anything. So I live in perpetual darkness, allowing those demons to tell me on a daily basis that I am trash, that I deserved and caused the abuse that was forced upon me. So I eat. I eat to put on pounds to protect myself. It's my armour. And it's getting heavy...every pun intended. And I am tired. Tired of wandering in the dark, lost and sad. I want sun and light, and joy. I read the blog of a woman who recently lost a child. There was a quote on her blog about suffering, and although we are suffering different kinds of pain, the meaning behind it holds truth for all suffering, and it is as follows:
"The quickest way for someone to find sun and light of day is NOT to head West chasing after the setting sun, but to head East, plunging into darkness until one comes to the sunrise." I thought that was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, and it gave me hope. Hope that one day, after plunging through the darkness, I will come to the sunrise. And although my brain tells me I deserve darkness, my heart tells me I deserve better, and that is what I am going to choose to listen to.